The Glendale Tap
4227 San Fernando RdGlendale CA 91204
- PUB QUIZ—Wednesdays @ 7:30pm
The Glendale Tap
Glendale CA 91204
QUIZ RECAP
When Wrenchereus, God Of Tools, reached for his Phillips-head screwdriver without looking (something he was wont to do, for everything he needed was always within thinking distance), a friendly foot pressed down on his hand and a voice boomed forth with: “That’s MY screwdriver!” Looking up, Wrench (to his friends) saw none other than the man himself. No, not Zeus. Someone better. Badder. It was Phillips. The guy the screwdriver was named after, Standing right there in his garage. “Please don’t say ‘Who are you?’” said Phillips. “I hate that one,” he added. Wrench stammered a bit and got out: “I definitely know who you are! You’re a god around here!” Phillips laughed and said: “It’s always weird when one god, who is verifiably a god, calls me a god.” “It must happen a lot,” said Wrench. Phillips laughed and said: “Yeah.” Phillips finally arrived at the reason for his visit. “I’ve got this convention every year—“ “You sure do!” interrupted Wrench. “—and I need a giant screwdriver made. And I was wondering if you can do it.” “But the convention is today,” said Wrench. And in that moment, that sweat-filled, urgent moment, Wrench knew Phillips needed this giant screwdriver constructed this instant. Like, right now. “My only stipulation is that the screwdriver must be taller than Old Man Jimmy’s grain silo, which is two hundred and fifty feet.” “That’s a big screwdriver,” said Wrench. “Can you do it?” asked Phillips, still, by the way, with his foot on Wrench’s hand. It seemed very clear to Wrench that his answer’d better be yes. And so Wrench got started, but, since he was a god (and an oily ragged one at that) the two hundred and fifty-one-foot screwdriver was promptly erected on the site of the Phillips convention as guests streamed in, saw Wrench’s work and remarked: “That’s almost as big as the giant jackhammer.” With Old Man Jimmy’s grain silo just a quarter mile away, the convention was going off splendidly. “You went just one foot taller than the silo? Now that’s humor!” said Phillips to Wrench, as a burst of fire and lightening charged the air above. A bolt of death zapped Old Man Jimmy’s silo and brought it down in a tumbling heap. A huge “Hurrah!” from the crowd went up as quickly as the lightening came down and Wrench said: “What the hell happened?” Phillips explained: “The Zap Of Olphaneus will only destroy the second tallest structure at the Phillips Convention if the event falls on the second Saturday. Today is such a Saturday and, until your screwdriver, the second tallest structure here was Emily’s Double Layered Cookie Warehouse which, though, only standing at ten feet, is still the second tallest. We needed a distraction for Olph’s (to his friends) bolt and your screwdriver was the one to do it. Thank you for your service.” Old Man Jimmy rushed over to complain. “What about my silo?” he asked Phillips. “Go have a cookie,” suggested Phillips. And Old Man Jimmy, and the rest of the world, did just that. Emily sold out that day. Here’s the point: This exact thing happened at The Glendale Tap on Wednesday night. Let’s talk:
The Drinking Round was a Panda Off: the best impression of a panda would take the prize of free drinks for their table. The winner? Harry and Dobby for the most forlorn, introspective panda I’ve ever seen in public or private! Free drinks!
In third place, with a score of 43 points, was Matt Moscato, a team that simply must, every week, make their team name have something to do with my last name of Champagne. (I asked them to stop flirting me. They refuse.) In second place, with a score of 50 points was Sharcougherie. And taking the night once again was When In Ramen with 51 full American points. Come back next week for more King Trivia fun at the Glendale Tap!
| Game Rank | Team # | Team Name | Score | Teams Beaten | Team Beat Average |
| 1 | 131792 | When in Ramen | 51 | 8 | 1.000 |
| 2 | 144734 | Sharcougherie | 50 | 7 | 0.875 |
| 3 | Matt Moscato | 43 | 6 | 0.750 | |
| 4 | Glendale Tap This Turns 30!! | 40 | 5 | 0.625 | |
| 5 | 107470 | Points for Slytherin | 41 | 4 | 0.500 |
| 6 | 144735 | Harry and Dobby | 40 | 3 | 0.375 |
| 7 | 144733 | Dirty Martinis | 35 | 2 | 0.250 |
| 8 | 35430 | Solo Gig | 32 | 1 | 0.125 |
| 9 | 144732 | Dirty Biscuits | 29 | 0 | 0.000 |
QUIZ RECAP
When Floriderus, God Of Toothpaste, took a good look at the giant incisors of the Gromboxula, the fabled but also very real creature from the Fourth Quadrant of Hijaxia that currently bore down on him with quickening hunger, he declared: “Wow, dude! You gotta floss!” Grom (to his friends) immediately stopped his attack, covered his mouth in shame, and said: “Hey, easy, man. Not in front of al these people.” Watching from cliffs dotted with tents, hot stoves and RV’s, sure enough, was a crowd of about a thousand fools cheering for neither participant in this melee; their excitement was brought upon by the mere fact that there even was a fight. “I think they want us both to lose,” said Grom to Flo (to his friends). “I just want you to floss,” said Flo. Here’s the point: This scene played out exactly in that manner at the Glendale Tap tonight. Let’s talk.
I barely know who Moo Deng is, but a guy on a team by himself (Solo Gig) came up and did what he said was an impression of a pygmy hippo and I guess he did it right because he won. Free beer!
In third place tonight was the aforementioned Solo Gig with 51 points. With 52 points was Queen Bees. And taking the night was Rob’s Angels with 53 points. Come back next week for another King Trivia night at the Glendale Tap!
| Game Rank | Team # | Team Name | Score | Teams Beaten | Team Beat Average |
| 1 | 134816 | Rob’s Angels | 53 | 9 | 1.000 |
| 2 | 98077 | Queen Bees | 52 | 8 | 0.889 |
| 3 | 35430 | Solo Gig | 51 | 7 | 0.778 |
| 4 | 143324 | Glendale Tap This!! | 48 | 6 | 0.667 |
| 5 | 144185 | Champagne Taste Beer Budget | 46 | 5 | 0.556 |
| 6 | 91807 | Rectum Pistol | 44 | 4 | 0.444 |
| 7 | Matt Sparkling Wine | 39 | 3 | 0.333 | |
| 8 | 107470 | 10 Points For Gryffindor | 31 | 2 | 0.222 |
| 9 | 144181 | Brighton Beach | 29 | 1 | 0.111 |
| 10 | The Beefalos | 26 | 0 | 0.000 |
QUIZ RECAP
When Printereus, God Of Paper Jams, was called for the one millionth time to fix a problem with the printer on floor 102, he thought: “I just fixed that one. What, is there a God Of Breaking Printers in the building that I don’t know about?” But after teleporting all the way back up to 102 and getting a “You again?” from Shermer the security guard, Print (to his friends) saw that the printer in question was not broken but, as he suspected, sabotaged. “Someone’s doing this on purpose,” he said. He hoisted himself up onto the nearest cubicle and announced to all workers present: “Who is purposely breaking this printer?” And then, rising into the air from behind her cubicle (which was always meticulously decorated with neon tube socks pinned to the walls, pipe cleaners doused in highlighter yellow and leafy plants covered in snails) was Tonerania, Goddess Of Ink Jets. “Is this how you want me to confess my crush on you, Print?” she announced on high. “Announce?” said the entire one hundred and second floor. “Like we didn’t know?” Tone (to her few friends) bellowed: “SILENCE!” In response, everyone started dancing to Jamiroquai. During this joyous uproar, Print went up to Shermer and said: “I’m actually the God Of Fixing Paper Jams, but that doesn’t fit on my honorary mug.” “Thanks for the clarification,” said Shermer as Print bolted around the corner. “Tell her I left,” he said to Shermer because he knew Tone was right on his tail. “Why don’t you teleport back down to the street then?” asked Shermer. “Gotta get some snacks,” answered Print, and he was gone. Here’s the point: Wednesday nights at the Glendale Tap are printer-free. Let’s talk!
The Drinking Round tonight was a Boston Off: one player from each team came up and did an impression of someone e from Boston. I don’t know which movie the guy from Ontario China was doing a speech from, but I’m always surprised when something during the Drinking Round makes me feels things. Weird.
In third place tonight with a score of 43 points was Oxymoron. In second place with a score of 53 points was Queen Bees. And taking the night was Ontario China with 64 points. Come back next week for more King Trivia fun at The Glendale Tap!
| Game Rank | Team # | Team Name | Score | Teams Beaten | Team Beat Average |
| 1 | Ontario China | 64 | 4 | 1.000 | |
| 2 | 98077 | Queen Bees | 53 | 3 | 0.750 |
| 3 | Foxymoron | 43 | 2 | 0.500 | |
| 4 | Quiztopher Walken | 32 | 1 | 0.250 | |
| 5 | 143324 | Glendale Tap This!! | 23 | 0 | 0.000 |
